Crows: The Therapists We Deserve

Therapists are great, but have you ever had a crow follow you around, silently judging your choices? Unlike human professionals, crows don’t need years of formal training to assess your emotional state. They can size you up in seconds, and if you’ve ever locked eyes with one, you know exactly what I mean. They remember faces, hold grudges, and reward loyalty. Basically, they offer the full range of therapeutic experiences with none of the appointment scheduling.

Crows understand reciprocity better than most people. Bring them a peanut, and they might bring you a lost earring. Feed them consistently, and they’ll alert you to potential threats, like the neighbor’s cat or that suspiciously low-hanging tree branch. In contrast, traditional therapy costs a small fortune and rarely involves free trinkets. Crows, on the other hand, operate on a straightforward barter system. A simple exchange: food for insight, trinkets for loyalty. No copays required.

Then there’s their communication style. Crows don’t coddle. They won’t ask leading questions or encourage you to unpack childhood trauma at your own pace. They will, however, loudly vocalize their discontent if you disrupt their routine, ignore their presence, or fail to bring snacks. It’s an approach that prioritizes accountability over comfort. Tough love, but efficient.

Most importantly, crows acknowledge progress. They notice when you show up consistently, and they adjust their behavior accordingly. Unlike your last therapist, a crow will never ghost you. If anything, it will track you down and remind you that you exist.

So before booking another therapy session, consider befriending a crow. Worst-case scenario, you get a collection of shiny objects and some unsolicited life critiques. Best case? Free therapy with a side of existential clarity.