Learning to be Okay with Conflict

When we were young, we learned how to get along with each other. We generally resolved our differences by just saying that we're sorry.

Now that we're grown, for many of us, conflict is a thing we try to avoid. Conflict can make us feel tense and can bring up feelings that we might not be prepared to immediately deal with.

Whatever form it takes: an argument with a family member, a debate with a colleague at work, or a tussle on the playground, conflict can oftentimes leave us feeling anxious. Unsettled disagreements just make us feel bad.

• How then, can we learn to be okay with conflict?

  
  

• How do we learn to accept the fact that we don't always need to agree?

  
  

• Most importantly, how can we learn to accept that conflict is a normal part of life ?

Perhaps conflict is not something we avoid, or even fear. Perhaps it can serve as a way to create better, more evolved relationships. The following are a few ideas on how you can shift your mindset and better manage (perhaps, even embrace) conflict.

Conflict is normal. Step one in getting more comfortable with conflict is recognizing that it’s a normal part of relationships. We can't agree all the time. People disagree because they experience the world with different perspectives and values; as well as different ways of thinking and feeling. This diversity is part of what makes us human. If we can embrace this diversity when we find ourselves in conflict with another person, it might help "lower the temperature" a bit and lead to a better outcome.

Conflict can help you grow. When approached with a healthy attitude, conflict can lead to better communication, better understanding, and stronger connections. The key is maintaining that healthy attitude each time a conflict comes up. Just like anything, the more times you do it correctly, the more effective you'll be.

Transform fear into curiosity. Focus on the issue and root of the conflict rather than seeing the conflict as a reflection of the other person's character. Experiment with curiosity. Ask questions relating to why the other person feels the way the feel. Really listen to what they say and try to see the issue from their perspective. Ask the other person where the common ground exists in the issue. Typically, there is common ground. You just have to be curious enough to uncover it.

Temporary discomfort is okay. Learning to be okay with conflict means learning to sit with those uncomfortable feelings and not avoiding or burying them. Nobody likes to be uncomfortable, but it's okay to allow yourself to be uncomfortable temporarily. Remember to breathe, acknowledge your emotions and try to stay calm and present. This will help you stay focused on the issue.

Set boundaries. Setting boundaries ensures that the conflict stays constructive and doesn't spiral out of control. This means discussing what type of behavior is acceptable and what isn't; e.g, yelling, hurtful language and interruptions. Setting boundaries will help make sure the conversation is respectful, even when both parties might be feeling a lot of emotions. If the conversation does get too heated, it's okay to take a break. Just remember to set a boundary about when you'll resume the discussion.

It's okay to be vulnerable. Being in conflict sometimes requires expressing your true feelings, needs, or concerns. All of a sudden, you've made yourself vulnerable. This can be scary and unnerving. However, vulnerability can actually be helpful. It shows that you're being open and honest. It also invites the other person to do the same. This creates a space for a genuine and authentic conversation. It's important that both parties feel heard, understood, and respected by the end of the conversation.

Be open to other points of view. Resolving conflicts isn't about being right or wrong. It's about listening to different perspectives and figuring out solutions. There's no need for either person to "win" the argument. When you free yourself from the need to be "right," it opens you up to really considering how the other person is thinking and feeling. This creates room for compromise and creative solutions.

Why am I triggered? Take a moment to be self reflective. Ask yourself what's making you so upset. This self reflection can help you gain insight into your emotional responses and patterns. This can help in managing the conflict. For example, if you're triggered by the other person constantly interrupting you, that's a boundary you can set to help manage the discussion.

Find a solution. Approach conflicts with the goal of finding a solution. This might seem obvious, but it's important to be explicit about it. Typically, both people will want to resolve the conflict. If that's brought up in the conversation, then you've already found common ground! Also, don't let emotions or fear lead you to avoiding the real issues that created the conflict. If those issues are not resolved, it could lead to more tension and even resentment in the future.

Conflict is a normal (some might say, inevitable) part of life that can teach us empathy and patience; and even make us more resilient. When effectively managed, resolving conflicts can improve your relationships, help you communicate more effectively, and help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

It takes practice, but it is possible!