Listen Up!

Imagine this scenario. There's a conversation happening between two people. One person is sharing a recent experience. The other person, while seemingly engaged starts interrupting; offering advice, jumping in with accounts of similar experiences, even completing the other person's sentences. I'm guessing most of us have experienced this, or a variation of this, in some way.

Not being heard can feel unsatisfying and I reckon most people know and accept this. So, why then, do people struggle to listen effectively? What factors interfere with the process of listening? How can we do better?

Listening Doesn't Come Naturally

At its essence, listening requires effort and presence, two things often at odds with the pace of modern life; or even pre-industrial life.

Conversations can feel like a tug-of-war for attention. Many people listen with the intent to respond, not to understand. This is especially true when the conversation touches on something we feel strongly about. Instead of allowing the person to fully express themselves, we jump in to share our perspective, unintentionally cutting short their opportunity to be heard.

We interpret what we hear through the filter of our own experiences, beliefs, and expectations. This natural tendency can distort the meaning of what’s being said, as we project our own interpretations onto the other person’s words. For instance, if a colleague mentions struggling with a project, we might assume they’re asking for help, when they might simply be sharing their thoughts. By not listening effectively, our response may be inconsistent with with the colleague's expectations for the conversation.

Certain topics or tones of voice can provoke emotional responses that make it difficult to listen objectively. If a comment feels critical, we may become defensive, focusing more on preparing a rebuttal than understanding the speaker’s perspective. And while we're preparing the rebuttal, it's quite difficult to also listen to what the other person is saying.

Practical Steps to Improve Listening

Improving your listening skills is less about mastering advanced techniques and more about adopting simple, deliberate habits:

1. Manage Emotional Responses. If a conversation stirs strong emotions, take a moment to acknowledge them internally without letting them dominate your response. This might mean taking a breath or reminding yourself that your role is to understand before you start to defend or debate.

2. Pause Before Responding. When someone speaks, resist the urge to formulate your response immediately. Instead, focus entirely on their words and allow a moment of silence before replying. This pause not only gives you time to process but also signals to the speaker that you are fully engaged.

3. Ask Clarifying Questions. Effective listening doesn’t mean staying silent. Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions can deepen your understanding and show the speaker you’re genuinely interested.

4. Paraphrase and Reflect. Summarizing what you’ve heard is a powerful way to ensure you’ve understood correctly. It not only confirms your understanding but also helps the speaker feel validated.

   
   

Listening effectively is a skill that requires intentional effort. By practicing effective listening, we can move beyond simply hearing words to truly understanding the people we engage with. It's not about perfection; it’s about creating space for authentic connection and mutual respect.