When Being Flexible Just Means No One Accommodates You

Flexibility is often seen as a strength, and in many ways, it is. Adaptability allows for smoother collaboration, prevents unnecessary conflict, and can make interactions more efficient. The ability to adjust to circumstances, to go with the flow when needed, is essential in both professional and personal settings. However, the expectation that one person will always be the flexible one can lead to a pattern where their needs are consistently overlooked.

Accommodation is a two-way process. When one person continuously shifts to accommodate others, the balance is lost. The issue is not with flexibility itself but with the unspoken assumption that some people will always adjust while others will not have to. This pattern can be so ingrained that the person making the adjustments does not even recognize how often they are doing it. When they do notice, the discomfort is often dismissed as a personal failing, as if wanting consideration in return is unreasonable.

Part of the problem is how flexibility is interpreted. Many people see it as an individual trait rather than a collective responsibility. Someone who rarely asks for accommodations may be seen as “easygoing,” but in reality, they may simply be used to making themselves smaller in order to avoid the friction of asserting a need. If no one stops to ask whether that person actually prefers the arrangements being made, their adaptability becomes an expectation rather than a choice.

Over time, this dynamic shapes relationships in ways that are difficult to untangle. The person accommodating everyone else is rarely seen as needing accommodation themselves. Others assume they are fine with whatever is happening because they have never seen them push back. When they do, the response is often one of surprise or even irritation. A request for reciprocity can feel, to those unaccustomed to it, like a disruption rather than a reasonable expectation.

There are also social and cultural factors that reinforce this imbalance. Some people are conditioned to believe that making things easier for others is their role. Whether due to upbringing, work environments, or gendered expectations, they may feel a sense of duty to be the one who adjusts. This makes it difficult to recognize when their flexibility is not a personal strength but an expectation that others rely on without reciprocating.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step in changing it. The goal is not to become rigid or demanding but to notice when flexibility has stopped being a choice and has become a requirement imposed by others. It is worth asking whether an adjustment is something one is genuinely comfortable making or whether it is being made simply because it is expected.

Flexibility should be a shared effort. When one person is always the one bending, the structure itself becomes lopsided. The real measure of a functional dynamic is not how much one person can accommodate but whether everyone involved is willing to.