Understanding Grief: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving

My mother’s best friend of over 55 years died yesterday. She is a woman I’ve known my entire life. While I felt sadness over her passing, my heart ached more for the enormous void this loss creates in my mom’s life. Since her passing, as I've spent time with my mom and her friend’s daughters, I often found myself at a loss for words, unsure how to offer comfort in the face of such deep grief.

Years ago, I took a class on grief. The instructor discouraged using the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss,” explaining that loved ones aren’t simply “lost,” they’ve died. Yet this week, I was reminded how real and crushing that loss can be. You lose the person you turn to for support, the one you share game nights with, the one you call multiple times a day. You lose the potential to make new memories with someone who has been at your side and witnessed decades of your life. Memories like becoming a mother to becoming a grandmother. This absence runs deep. Death is definitive. There’s no ambiguity about it and that finality brings with it immense grief.

Grief is universal yet deeply personal. It doesn’t unfold in a straight line but ebbs and flows. Sometimes it appears as sadness. Sometimes as anger, guilt, confusion, or even numbness. Everyone experiences grief differently; there is no “right” way to mourn. Understanding this is the first step toward offering meaningful support. However, it can be challenging to know exactly what to say or do to truly be there for someone who is grieving.

Here are a few ideas that may help.

Acknowledge Their Loss

One of the simplest yet most impactful actions is to recognize the loss. Instead of relying on “I’m sorry for your loss,” try something like:

• I’m heartbroken for you.

• I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.

• You’re in my thoughts, and I’m here for you.

• I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care.

Avoid minimizing their feelings with phrases like, “At least they lived a long life,” “It could be worse,” or “They’re in a better place.” These can feel dismissive. Similarly, “Stay strong” or “Think of the good times” may imply they should hide their pain.

Listen Without Judgment

Grief can be messy and unpredictable. Offer a safe space for your loved one to share their feelings, without jumping in with solutions or comparisons to your own experiences. Often, simply listening (truly being present) is the greatest gift you can give. Even if you feel unsure of what to do, being there can help ease the loneliness that sometimes accompanies grief.

Offer Practical Help

Everyday tasks can be overwhelming when someone is grieving. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering specific help:

• Cooking meals or arranging takeout

• Running errands

• Assisting with childcare or pet care

• Helping around the house

• Concrete offers make it easier for someone to accept support.

Be Patient

Grief does not operate on a timetable. Someone might seem “better” one day and overwhelmed the next. Avoid urging them to “move on” or “look on the bright side.” Instead, remind them their feelings are valid, no matter how much time has passed.

Respect Their Needs

Some people find comfort in talking openly about their loss, while others may need solitude. Pay attention to their cues. If they aren’t ready to talk or to spend time together, let them know you’re there whenever they need you.

Encourage Professional Support

If someone’s grief seems unmanageable or prolonged, gently suggest counseling or therapy. Professional support can offer tools for navigating grief in a healthy way.

Check In Regularly

Support often pours in immediately after a loss but can fade with time. Continue reaching out in the weeks and months that follow. A simple text, call, or visit can be a powerful reminder that they are not alone.

Remember Anniversaries and Milestones

Dates like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can be especially painful after a loss. Mark these on your calendar and offer a simple gesture or supportive message to let your loved one know you remember.

Supporting someone who is grieving isn’t about finding the perfect words or trying to fix their pain. This is because pain can’t truly be “fixed.” It’s about showing up with empathy, patience, and love. Though grief is a heavy burden, having someone to lean on can make it just a bit more bearable.